The Church | Jefrey Jacob FotoGraphiK

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

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Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

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Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

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Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

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The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

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Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

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Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

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If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

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Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

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A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

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There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

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It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

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Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

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In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

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When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

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If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

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If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

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If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

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... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

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Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

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He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

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Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

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If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

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Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

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If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

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I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

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Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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I am not young enough to know everything.

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

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I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

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Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.

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Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

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If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

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Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

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All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

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The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

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There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

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Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

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Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

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Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.

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I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

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No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

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If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

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We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

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Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

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In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

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C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

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ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

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Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

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Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

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Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

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Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

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> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

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A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

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Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

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Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

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I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

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We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

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We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

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It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

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Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

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Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

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A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

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It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Levitra on 19th June 2010 @ 4:42pm

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

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Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

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The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

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Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

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There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

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They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

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A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

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The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Maxiderm on 22nd June 2010 @ 2:05am

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

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Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

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C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

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Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

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A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

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I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Flagyl on 23rd June 2010 @ 6:40am

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

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The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

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You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

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The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

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I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

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All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Valium on 23rd June 2010 @ 9:37pm

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Levitra on 24th June 2010 @ 3:29am

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

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Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

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You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

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Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Levitra on 24th June 2010 @ 2:19pm

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Voltaren on 25th June 2010 @ 8:07am

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

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Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

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We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Levitra on 25th June 2010 @ 3:58pm

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

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Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Levitra on 26th June 2010 @ 4:00am

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

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Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

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If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Levitra on 26th June 2010 @ 7:54am

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

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Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Tramadol on 26th June 2010 @ 10:00am

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

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Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Levitra on 26th June 2010 @ 10:44pm

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Tramadol on 27th June 2010 @ 5:40am

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

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We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

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Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Dating on 27th June 2010 @ 9:04pm

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

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In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

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I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

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If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

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After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

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The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

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True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

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If you are going through hell, keep going.

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I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

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What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

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Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

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Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

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Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

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We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

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In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

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Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

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If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

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Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

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I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

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Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

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A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

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Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

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Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

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Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

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I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

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Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

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Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

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Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

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Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

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If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

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As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

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Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

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Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

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Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

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You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

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Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

earth4energy on 5th September 2010 @ 6:49am

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

dog obedience training on 5th September 2010 @ 8:35am

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